Federal Needle Exchange Ban Doesn't Stop Porn Stars from Shooting Up

Botox, that is.

Fresh-faced and apple-cheeked, Jordan and Aden Jaric are just about the most wholesome couple in gay porn. They have puppies, they smile constantly, and they pepper their blog posts with a generous supply of exclamation points. They're just like us! And like us, they're not above getting a little work done and posting footage of the procedures to YouTube, for edutainment.

Having already undergone a recent nose job, Jordan Jaric is no stranger to the knife. And my god, you should have seen him before the surgery. Children fled in terror as Jordan obliviously cavorted on the beach, his proboscis knocking out lifeguards and low-flying aircraft left and right. Adrien Brody would often look at Jordan's nose and say to himself, thank god that's not me. How Jordan managed to rise to prominence in the slightly looks-obsessed gay adult industry, I'll never fathom, although I do have this weird hunch that it has something to do with the fact that he's fucking insanely gorgeous and always has been, nose job or not. But I'm no expert.

As I was saying before I so rudely interrupted myself, Jordan Jaric, being no stranger to the knife, has now, along with boyfriend Aden, set his sights on the needle. Why? "We did it for the fun of it and because we can. LOL", the couple replied to an internet commentwatter who dared express sadness at the sight of a 20-something model undergoing wrinkle treatment. And I agree. It's your money, Jarics! Bake it into a pie and lob it at Ann Coulter if you want. Or, fight the good fight against Father Time. He's not the boss of you! As for the "fun" aspect, if playing with medical equipment is your idea of a good time, you might want to look into doing different movies.

Anyway, let's roll the tape. "That crackling noise is ridiculous" chirps Jaden, as the doctor pumps youth back into his wizened features. Ridiculous as it may be, young Padawan, that crackling you hear is the sound of self-worth settling into your pores. That, and "one of the most lethal naturally occurring substances known to science", whose side effects from cosmetic use include "drooping eyelid, uneven smile, reduction of power to chew solid foods, swallowing difficulties, pneumonia, speech disorders and breathing problems"(Shout-out to Wikipedia ). But those minor trifles are nothing compared to the pain and suffering of the he's-got-another-man-on-the-side effects that can result from non-botox.

After Jordan's done getting poked in the forehead, the doctor moves on to his lips, injecting them with some sort of plumping agent. I was bit baffled by this procedure, as there exists irrefutable video proof that Jordan Jaric was already possessed of dick-sucking lips. But hey, it worked wonders for that dude from Queer Eye, didn’t it?

Once the procedure is over, the new Jordan Jaric we behold looks not like the attractive adult performer of yesteryear, but instead like a freshly-battered victim of domestic abuse, his teary eyes insisting "he always says he's sorry afterward." Not for nothing, but given a few shots of Jim Beam and a scathing insult or two, I could've easily provided Jordan the bruised eye and swollen lip effect he was after. And for much less.

If I was a concerned scold, I might point out that getting both a nose job and Botox done at such a young age, correcting imagined superficial flaws even as the outside world faps to you day and night and your perfect ten boyfriend cuddles you to sleep, might point to underlying issues of low self-esteem or even body dysmorphic disorder, but like I said before I’m no expert . I have zero authority in the problems and tribulations of beautiful people, as some folks are wont to uncharitably describe me using cruel pejorative terms such as “bald” or “average-looking” or “the gay Steve Buscemi.” And if I had the money, I’d sure as hell be tempted to get some work done too: botox, lypo, a nose-job, a hair-transplant, everything, twice. Capitalism! If you want a new face, buy one. Who knows how much more awesome my life would be if I turned heads on the street and inspired “missed connections” posts on Craigslist? Then again, if I had the financial means to get all that work done, it’s as likely as not I’d consider myself a success already and skip the surgeries. Unlike the Jarics, however, my income isn’t based on my looks (thank god), so I don’t know what that particular pressure feels like.

What I do know is that the allure of youth and beauty is strong in our community. But like Bruce Willis hanging by his suspenders in Death Becomes Her, we have a choice. We can chase the dream of eternal youth, seeking out the Isabella Rossellini who will admit us into a secret society that defies the natural law as she manically cries out “Sempre Viva! Live forever!!!”… or, we can go the crunchy route and seek satisfaction and happiness from within or however that bullshit goes. OR, maybe we can have it sort of both ways, loving ourselves but still tweaking a few things here and there because why not. This is America! Let’s give the Jarics the benefit of the doubt. They acknowledge that they don’t need to get work done and say it’s an experiment. They’re curious about the procedure and have the money to throw around.

Experiment away, boys. I just hope you two don’t end up like poor Goldie Hawn and Meryl Streep at the end of DBH, fooling no one and spray-painting each other’s crusty asses until the end of time. I mean, and Joan Rivers may be a funny lady, but eventually that clip on the back of her head’s gonna snap and all her old skin is going to come back with a vengeance, coating the planet and choking out all forms of life in its merciless wake. You don’t want to end up like that, trust.