Levi Johnston

Alaska has been in the news lately with the close senate primary race where the incumbent Republican Senator could potentially lose to newbie Joe Miller (who is back by Sarah Palin.) There seems to be a Hatfield vs. McCoy rivalry going on here, but do we really care what's happening in Alaska? I certainly don't.

But when I think of the former Alaskan Govenor, I immediately think of her future son-in-law Levi Johnston. He is such a hunk, isn't he? And since porn and politics continually blend together, I can't help but immediately think of Getting Levi's Johnson by one of the best director's in the biz, Chris Steele. Starring Casey Monroe as "Levi", cutie-pie with the best butt in the business Brent Corrigan and mega-studs Mark Dalton and Diesel Washington, this political powerhouse is exorbitantly hot from the beginning jack-off scene to the last blowjob! As if the pictures weren't enough, check out the trailer and exclusive offer.

At first it was ok. I didn’t mind. I mean, Levi Johnson is a pretty cute guy with a very sweet ass and constantly has one of those "deer caught in headlights" look, which must be really attractive to those fucking him. Hell, as a bonus he enjoys pissing all over Palin, which gives me no end of satisfaction. But now I’ve had enough. And it’s Joy Behar’s fault – apparently on a recent show she asked the dear 19-year old Alaskan how he felt about being a "Gay Icon". A Gay Icon she said. A FUCKING GAY ICON! I know some of you think this is a legitimate claim and you might even subscribe to this thought, but I would like to attest that this would, in fact, be a thought crime.

I mean what does being a Gay Icon mean anyway? I reject the seemingly newly ascribed criteria that it simply means 9 out of 10 gay men would like to fuck you. News flash: 9 out of 10 gay men will fuck anything with a pulse so it would make far too many of us gay icons. No; there has to be more to it than a perfect little 19-year-old ass, a hockey stick, and the ability to pro-create in arctic temperatures. How about some support for gay and lesbian causes (see Cyndi Lauper), being unabashedly out of the closet—Sir Ian McKellen, Neil Patrick Harris, et al—or creating art that many gay people respond to the fabulousness of Babs and Kylie. I am even happy with continuing with ascribing tragic heroine’s to this status (Judy and Liza) since many gay men identify with their struggle. But I draw the line at Levi. And so should you. You gotta be selective as to how you award titles like this after all. I mean, they don’t give an Oscar® to every two-bit actor or Orlando Bloom would have one for his role in Troy. It’s time to get some class back in to gay iconography or our iconic future will be filled with porn stars. It’ll be hot, but you might end up feeling dirty in the morning.

Judging from his special appearances on The Kids Choice Awards and Larry King Live alongside our second-favorite ginger, Kathy Griffin (Blu Kennedy holds the number one spot), Levi Johnston’s trying to make the most out of his fifteen minutes. And according to a recent interview with Bravo’s Andy Cohen, he’ll even consider nude modeling for the right price. Assuming Kathy Griffin paid at least five-hundred smackers to slake her thirst at Levi’s fountain of youth, any cash the young Alaskan can summon from here on out is just icing.

And the gay media is biting! Unzipped magazine, recent purveyor of a meatless Beau Breedlove spread, has reportedly made an offer that Levi might not refuse. This is a win-win situation, folks. For The Gays and The Womens, it means the chance to lay eyes upon the Moose-fed young jock’s hockey stick, and don’t even pretend like you’re not curious about it. For Levi, it means expensive laser tattoo removal is just the beginning. Depending on how well he parlays a nude magazine spread into bigger opportunities, like a feature film role or (fingers crossed) porn modeling, Levi could kick back and enjoy American Life the way is was intended, all mojitos and in-ground pools, while the icy, unforgiving tundra fades into dim memory -- just like the memory of a certain spotlight-grubbing almost-mother-in-law who will remain anonymous. Meanwhile, Levi’s actual mother would no doubt have some of the financial burden eased from her legal troubles, to say nothing of love-child Trip’s nascent college fund (and let’s actually say nothing about the kid, okay? He’s a boner-killer).

It’s the American Dream! Get famous for no reason, and stay famous through flashing some skin. It worked for Paris Hilton, and Levi, it can work for you. So, as Tim Gunn would say: Make it work! In the meantime, I’ve got my best tube sock on standby, trust.